The Punch-Drunken Stupor Year-End
Awards
By Jonathan David Morris
11.12
- In boxing, unlike other
sports, the end of the calendar year means something.
That's because there's no off-season. A year is the
only reasonable way to gauge the state of boxing.
Besides, nothing says fun like year-end awards, so
let's just get on with it already. Below you'll find
the first annual Punch-Drunken Stupor Awards, compiled
by yours truly, JDM. On with the show:
The "Least
Surprising Surprise" Award
Unexpected moments are the very stuff of boxing history.
They're what keep us fans fanning. Sometimes, a bombshell
comes along that fails to throw us off our collective
guard, even despite its awe-inspiring nature. This
year's Stupor Award for "Least Surprising Surprise"
goes to none other than the shock master himself,
Don King. In November, following a CAT scan for a
vicious bump on the noggin, it was revealed that Young
Shakespeare had five--count 'em, five--bullets lodged
in his head since the 1950s. Drastic? You bet it is.
Yet for some reason, no matter how much I try, I just
can't say I'm surprised.
The "Worst
Decision" Award
Decisions. Many stink so bad that they clear out entire
casinos. Boxing is ripe with poor judgment calls.
Every year, one seems to stick out above the rest.
This year's Stupor Award for "Worst Decision"
goes to none other than Lance Whitaker. Ahem, GOOFi.
Hot on the heels of his kayo win against Oleg Maskaev,
Whitaker had everything to gain when he stepped in
the ring with Jameel McCline in December. And, as
McCline pointed out afterwards, Whitaker paid dearly
for focusing on his much-publicized name change. He's
a good man, Whitaker is, and I'm sorry such heavy
criticism has been lumped upon him. But a bad decision's
a bad decision, and changing one's name to GOOFi is
a really bad decision. An award winner by any other
name is still an award winner.
The "Two Black
Eyes and a Broken Nose for Boxing" Award
The winner is James Butler. No explanations necessary,
but I'll elaborate anyhow. Decking your opponent when
the scorecards have already been read is low. Making
him cough blood while he's trying to give you a hug
makes you the scum of the Earth (that's a sizable
statement, considering that said Earth is big enough
for three world champions in every weight class).
For once, something boxing fans can agree on: Banning
Butler for life seems warranted.
The "Best
Impression of a Legit Contender" Award
It's always a shame when a rising star is revealed
as something less than stellar. Hey, it's boxing.
It happens. Okay, okay, it happens a little too often.
Every now and again, there comes a fighter who proves
himself a step below world class with every step up
in competition. He's that rare tarnished mound of
silver that dares to shine on. This year's winner
for the "Best Impression of a Legit Contender"
is Hector Camacho Jr. The way he walked out of Coney
Island that fateful midsummer's eve, it's hard to
disagree.
The "Your
Fists Forgot to do the Talking" Award
Nothing wrong with a little trash talk here and there.
It makes for interesting fights, after all. But some
fighters just don't know when to say when. They go
that extra mile. They make themselves the bad guy,
and then they wonder why no one likes them anymore.
This year has witnessed a wealth of loudmouths, Anthony
Mundine and Hasim Rahman perhaps the most recent examples
of guys who some would say talked too much. With so
many choices from which to pick the recipient of this
year's "Your Fists Forgot to do the Talking"
award, it seems only natural that the Stupor selection
would go to the man who screamed the loudest and got
beat the most convincingly: Naseem Hamed. A clearly
talented fighter in his own right, and certainly a
man capable of greater things in the future, the Prince's
shtick became ever more tiresome as his fights became
progressively less fun. When he went up against Marco
Antonio Barrera, his fists stopped yapping almost
as quickly as he did.
The "Lame
Duck" Award
Guess who's ducking Lennox Lewis again? That's right,
none other than award-winner Mike Tyson. Lame, ain't
it? And so much for growing up, just when it seemed
that Tyson was serious about getting back into the
mix of things, he goes and pulls the old tune-up routine
just when the public-at-large and Lewis himself are
clamoring for a mega-showdown. It doesn't take an
anti-Mike fan to find this annoying. Apparently, he'll
forego the bout with Ray Mercer, but that's only because
the people who put food on his table--the fans--demanded
it. Old Man Mike is this year's "Lame Duck"
award winner.
The "Please,
Please, Please Retire" Award
Plenty of fighters stick around too long. Oddly enough,
some do so without having been around all that long
in the first place. Following his unpredictable knockout
loss at the hands of a journeyman this fall, former
154-pound champion David Reid wins this year's "Please,
Please, Please Retire" award. Some say the Olympic
gold medallist hasn't been the same since his vicious
loss to Felix Trinidad, but, if you think about it,
he's been on the decline pretty much ever since he
won the title. Against a secure selection of opposition,
Reid became more and more lethargic, not to mention
difficult to watch. There's no question the young
man has--or had--talent, but the gig is up and it's
time to go home. Stick a fork in him. David Reid is
done.
The "Most
Valuable Player" Award
Also known as the fighter of the year, the "Most
Valuable Player" award goes to the one man who
held the sport together just long enough for the moon
to orbit the Earth a full 365 glorious times. There
are quite a few deserving recipients, but only one
man took on two of the best fighters in his weight
class and beat them both in an effort to unify the
titles. And that man, of course, is Bernard Hopkins.
I'll admit, though I've never begrudged The Executioner
his due, I still never would've predicted him as a
fighter of the year at any point in his career. Job
well done to the man who beat the man.
And that's just about
it for the Punch-Drunken Stupor, circa 2001. I'm going
to wrap the year up early and tend to some business
(i.e., rest and relaxation). I've got two trips to
take and several projects to work on in the coming
weeks, but I should be back in mid-January or so with
another edition of the boxing column that nobody reads
and everybody hates. Meantime, get in on the next
edition of the Stupor Mailbag by dropping me a line
at Stupor@JonathanDavidMorris.com.
Until next time, have a Happy Chanukah, a Merry Christmas,
a Jovial Kwanzaa and a rollicking time come New Year's.
