Will Someone Please, Please, Please, SHUT GEORGE FOREMAN UP!!"

By Andreas Stavros

07.04 - "Are you sitting comfortably, children? Then I'll begin...
"Once upon a time, there was a big, bad bully who won the heavyweight championship of the world, but lost it to a prophet called Muhammed. George (for that was the mean man's name), was banished into the wilderness for ten long years, before he reappeared, reborn - a new man who'd realized the errors of his surly ways.

"He was determined to win back the heavyweight title to raise money for his church, and eventually charmed the mocking crowds by making lots of (entirely unfunny) jokes about hamburgers and the fact that he was fat. Finally, after a long trek that saw him battle the Great Warrior, Holyfield, and the not-so-great Duke, Morrison, George's destiny was realized. Just as the tortoise bested the snoozing hare, our rotund hero defeated Michael Moorer and won back the same championship he'd lost twenty years earlier. The masses cheered and hailed the miracle of George's victory, and yet, tragically, this fairytale does not have a happy ending.

"George became a commentator for HBO, and the rest of us have been suffering ever since..."

George Foreman is, without question, the worst boxing commentator I have ever heard. Oh, there have been some stinkers over the years, but George takes - as his famous waist-line suggests - the cake. The only thing more astounding than Foreman's incessant blather is the extraordinary fact that HBO, the self-anointed "heart and soul of boxing," have continued to employ him for the best part of a decade. This is a mystery that would befuddle a cerebral cocktail of Arthur C. Clarke, Stephen Hawking, and Einstein. Why oh why oh why, after years of contradictions, inanities, and irrelevancies, is he still there?!

I suppose I should explain exactly why I consider Foreman to be so embarrassing; after all, he remains inexplicably popular, presumably amongst the S+M crowd. Let's start with his tendency towards bias. If George picks a fighter to win, then that man can do no wrong. Listen to Foreman's take on the Hopkins / Trinidad clinic and you'll naturally assume that Bernard is in great peril for at least the first nine rounds. According to George, Hopkins' tactics are all wrong...he's playing with fire by not doing such and such...it's only a matter of time before the ever stalking Tito pounces. Critics of Roy Jones should also take note that Roy holds a win over "one of the best light-heavyweights ever"...at least, that's how Foreman described Reggie Johnson as Jones bounced him off the canvas.

Look, I could go on, but it's kind of like spanking a child with a bull-whip. It isn't just Foreman's assessment of other fighers that belongs in la-la land; his general comments are equally banal. "Another six left hooks to the head and Morales will fall!" No shit, Sherlock. And sleeping in the snow in your underpants might give you a chesty cough too.

Worse still, Foreman is frequently confrontational when co-commentators, Larry Merchant and Jim Lamplay, voice opinions that contradict his own. For a man who courts a jovial image, he certainly lacks diplomacy, particularly with Merchant. On more than one occasion, Foreman has played the unfair and irrelevant "I've boxed and you haven't" card, in a tacky bid to shut his far more knowledgeable colleagues up. In George's world, you have to be a chicken to know what an egg is...but then, this is the man who apparently regarded Holyfield / Ruiz III as Ali / Frazier IV, and took great umbrage when the bemused Merchant and co. disagreed.

So, the question arises, why isn't Foreman replaced? Perhaps I've already answered this question by pointing out that "people" - and for that you can read "the mainstream public" - like him. When the masses, who don't know the difference between boxing and WWF wrestling make the effort to tune in, what does it matter what hardcore boxing fans who want to hear enlightening commentary think? Oscar Wilde once said that in order to be popular, one must first be a mediocrity; Foreman's commentary is a living sign of that. So long as he beams that fixed smile, the great, cuddly, pugilistic Buddah will inevitably win over yet another mid-west grandmother...and will probably sell her a grill into the bargain.

Still, it's hard not to feel disappointed by HBO who pride themselves on, and frequently deliver, quality. It's not as if a replacement for Foreman would be hard to find either. Although I have no desire to break up ESPN2's excellent Friday Night Fights quartet of Max Kellerman, Teddy Atlas, Brian Kenny and Bob Papa, either of the first two could quite effortlessly glide into George's place. Atlas may not be Richard Burtonesque in the enunciation stakes, but - as an acclaimed trainer - he offers viewers an invaluable insight into the psychology and intangibles of the fight game. Kellerman could benefit from the realization that microphones make shouting unnecessary (can you imagine being stuck next to him on a plane when he was a kid? :(), but his ranting enthusiasm and freakishly encyclopedic boxing knowledge are that of someone who lives and breathes the sport - who truly loves it! Even Showtime's Bobby Czyz - lacking in charisma, but highly intelligent and informative - would be a vast improvement on the woeful Foreman. If only the HBO Big Knobs would agree.

As criticizing Big George is tantamount to violently breaking wind at the Queen Mother's funeral, I'll probably get a barrage of mud-pie e-mails thrown at me for writing this article. "Bollocks" is my reply. Boxing is a cult sport - let's not kid ourselves otherwise - and the sensitivities of the hardcore fans DO matter. When the biggest (and yes, the best), network in the game insists on marring their broadcasts with an "expert" whose analysis frequently defies even common sense, there's something deeply wrong.

George, you may well be a nice guy, and you were certainly a great fighter who had an inspirational, fairytale career; but will you please, please, please, shut the hell up!!
Pretty please with sugar on top...??